coneheads

two thing to know about me:

1- i am a complete and total doofus.
2- i rarely take tablets. i will take vitamins no problem, but if i have a headache i won't even take a panadol, i'll just go home, lie down, and drink water. the only time i've taken medication is when i feel REALLY bad, like when i didn't sleep for 3 nights or i was in emergency.

ok, i went past my best friend's, L.'s, dance studio to pick up my sister from classes. i saw S., the girl who now has my old job at reception there, and told her i wanted to buy one of their new jumpers to wear to work with the kids. They're baggy hoodies.

S: uh, Bee, we've only got adult's extra extra large or kid's sizes.
B: i'll try the adult's... (way too big... took it off...) uh, can i try on the biggest kid's size?
S: yeeeaaaaah... but they're really small...
B: it'll be ok. here, pass it over.
S: okaaaaay
I put it on fine. it was just a bit tight under the arms.
B: nah, too tight, i'll wait till you guys get another load in... S.! I'm stuck! S.! i'm really frekin stuck!

i had my torso out but my giant head was stuck, and i mean STUCK, in the hoodie neckhole. i could hear S. pissing herself laughing, as well as my sister and the rest of her dance group. So S. grabbed the end of the jumper and started pulling with all her might... i mean, whatever, who cares if my ears come off in the process!? i was screaming in pain and fear cos i could tell that it was getting very close to the point where S. was going to have to cut it off, and i was afraid that if she came near me with scissors laughing this much i might lose an eye. i was picturing myself with no ears like the weasley twin and one eye like mad eye, but no cool one to replace it. finally S. worked out that by sticking her thick nails between my face and the hoodie (much pain!) she could slowly edge it off.

S: Bee, you're such a crack up, every time you come here you provide me with entertainment!
B: yeah...thanks... (trying to squash my head back to normal size)

i got home and my ears are so red and i feel so like a conehead i took 2 panadols.

see?
i am a doofus.

harry potter nerd

it suddenly occured to me on sunday that i had been in posession of the final book of the seven and i hadn't read more than 100 pages. so i decided that i was going to read it nonstop... right when mum was trying to get me to hang clothes out for her.

mum: bee! put that book down! get off the couch! come on, come outside...

me: mum... i'm reading HARRY POTTER!!!

mum: yeah yeah whatever, you've been reading them for nearly a decade, get up-
me: it's the FINAL BOOK!

mum: it's been in your room a week and you haven't even touched it and now that i'm asking-
me: mum! no matter what happens right now, even if the clothes get rained on, even if i have nothing to wear to work tomorrow, i'm not getting off the couch, i'm not taking the blanket off, i'm not going to stop reading. no matter what.

mum: what about at 6.30 when salsa starts? (sarcastically)
me: oh, well, then yeah, of course, i have to go dancing.

(at which point mum tackled me for the book)

anyway, i got so into it that i CALLED IN SICK today just so i could finish it.

plus i'm feeling extra potter-ish today because A. sat his butt right down on my glasses last night and now i have to wear my old ones that are round and nerdy and wizard-ish.

fall to pieces

if i'm right my world will fall to pieces.

if i'm wrong i think it will still fall to pieces.

purple disease

when the hell was my last tetanus shot anyway? prep? don't they only last 10 years? what if i have stepped on a rusty nail and i'm out of date for my injection by 8 years?

and that's the tetanus bacteria... it looks quite pretty. i'd like to have a disease that's purple!

54 HOTDOGS IN 12 MINUTES

temporomandibular joint disorder. that's what i have. basically, i have a sore jaw.
let's begin at the beginning.

i had bad dreams last night and the night before. horrible dream where i was at the dodgey IGA near work and there was a veiled lady behind me who asked which nationality i was and i replied 'italian' and she muttered something under her breath about arabs. then another dream where i was driving down kings way and when it became queens road there were roadworks and i couldn't work out which lanes were closed and i accidentally drove into the wrong lane and picked up a roadworks sign in my front right wheel and i had to stop in the middle of the traffic and no one would help me get it out. i know neither of these dreams sound too bad, but i had so many more, they were distressing all together.

anyway. this morning i went to work complaining that the left side of my jaw was aching. just after 10 i found... a piece of my tooth that i had obviously ground off during my dreams.

to stress me out further at work, everyone started googling 'sore jaw' to see what it would come up with. which is when i found out i had temporomandibular joint disorder. (well, that was the last thing i was willing to listen to after 'you have tetanus!' / 'you have lockjaw!' / 'you're just gonna die!')

except i haven't eaten 54 HOTDOGS!

clubbing...ugh

'come out bee! night out with the girls! come on!!! you know you should, it'll get your mind off things...'

the night that ensued...

i got ready and went to my best friends, L.'s house. the other two girls arrived at 11pm, M. and T., and we all began drinking jim bean. ugh. we smelt like boys.

T. was our designated driver, so off we went just before midnight to find icon bar. we drove through the city for an hour before finding a park. it was so tight it became one of those austin power moments going back and forth a million times. by this time M. was so busting to go to the toilet that we had to walk into a deserted alley and surround her while she dropped her pants and peed on the ground. i know this sounds so feral, but this is what happens if you drink and you're stuck in a car for an hour. anyway...

went to icon. from outside we could hear madonna's 'like a prayer'. it really put us off. M. started saying that she would just go in, make a 3 minute appearance to her cheerleading group that were there, then run out and we could head off somewhere else. the security guard overheard us and just let us in for free, but even for free i didn't really want to go in.

went in. SO not impressed with the quality of the people, or the dancing for that matter. wierd girls and boys doing wierd moves and ugh. went upstairs, took off my coat, sat on it neatly, and began counting out 25 minutes which was the absolute maximum i was going to stay in that hell hole. girl to the left of me was drunk beyond belief and doing some disgusting body rolls and her friends were laughing like hyenas. everywhere i looked the scene was ugly.

guys kept coming up to us, asking us to dance. we all declined them again and again. finally, out of politeness, we went downstairs to dance with the cheerleaders. i put my jacket on and buttoned it up. i shoved my hands in my pockets and barely swayed, the music was atrocious, but i could tell that people there were too drunk or high to even notice. this random guy from across the circle kept trying to make eye contact. i ignored him. he slowly edged his way around the circle. ignored him. he began dancing behind me, then began grabbing my arm to try to drag me out. i turned around and said 'no'. i just kept on grabbing my arm again and again, more agressively and it began to hurt. 'no! i don't want to dance!' L. then noticed and sort of blocked him after turning around and saying something.

i felt like i must be doing something wrong. i don't get how to not get guy's attention. i was covered from head to toe, the only part that was showing was half my face cos the other half was covered in hair. there are a million drunk skanky half naked girls around me, pick them up.

M. then grabbed her bag, and discreetly walked past us all whispering 'LEAVE NOW! DON'T LOOK BACK!' which we did. outside, finally. we did another austin powers move to get the car out of the spot, and started heading towards copa. thank god. latin. normal music and lovely dancing.

turing into smith from victoria, giving way to three pedestrians, drunk boys around our age. upon seeing that we were all girls in the car two of them proceeded to drop their pants, and rub their bare butts against the car door and one of them on M.'s window. she was screaming her head off, and we couldn't drive or go anywhere cos one was on the bonnet. i closed my eyes so tight, and to tell the truth, blamed A. for our breakup because i certainly wouldn't be in that predicament if we were together, which of course i know now is a ridiculous thing to think.

at copa, the girls were impressed with the band and the singer's dancing. M. of course, as is customary for her, began fluttering her eyes at the gay one. she is always in denial when we point out to her that the guys she likes are gay. we began dancing on the elevated stage, and after 2 minutes there were two guys trying to sandwich me. we moved. they followed. we moved again. we must have moved 6 times before they got the hint. again, i'm not doing anything different from the rest of the girls, so why? really i don't get it. and i certainly didn't look good, considering i had put my makeup on at 8pm and it was now 3am.

then this guy and girl dancing next to us got dirty. people are SO FERAL AND HAVE NO SHAME. he was sort of dirty dancing with her then he grabbed her head and pushed her face down to his crotch where she began to pretend to give him a head job. we didn't even hide our disgust,we just all walked off.

we grabbed some drinks (now we were all on water after our discussion in the car that drunk people are so disgusting, even though all we do when were drunk is laugh, not give head jobs) i taugh M. some salsa off the stage. we went next door for some kebabs. then we went home and all slept over L.'s house.

the only highlight of the night was when we got home and realised that we didn't stink of cigarette smoke because of the new no smoking laws. that was a nice change.

what a night.

valley of the dolls

jacqueline susann wrote 'valley of the dolls' in 1966, and in it she mentioned a then-current 'sleep cure'. i have no idea if it was a real medical practice back then in the 60's. it was told that it was predominantly used for mental trauma patients who had suffered some loss or grief. the example she gave was of a mother who suddenly and unexpectantly lost her teenage daughter. the pain is unimaginable so she has the sleep cure, which is a medically induced sleep for a few weeks. when she awakens the pain is there but nowhere near as bad as it would have been at the beginning, and she sleeps through the most difficult part.

i really wish i could do that right now. telling yourself 'you'll eventaully get over this' and actually believing it when you feel so hopeless is impossible. A. is the only reason i'm doing this, because i think our break up will benefit him, but it certainly will not me.

busted

oh man.

i just got busted by the mayor sitting on myspace doing a survey and eating pizza.

:(

hope i still have this job this time tomorrow!

i am dangerous

i was reading Leilouta's blog about how she once injured her husband by poking him in the eye by accident and i thought 'wow, at least i only injure myself, i've never done that to anyone else... oh shit hang on a second, yes i have'

i was at williamstown beach with my sister C. and her best friend J. For those of you who have never been to willy beach the sand is very fine and dark and very much like mud when wet. the three of us were in the water up to our knees picking up the sludgey sand and throwing it at eachother. we kept missing but it was great fun. until... i threw it towards C. while her back was turned and at the last second she spun around and received a handful of sand in her open eye.

she started SCREAMING. Everyone was staring. i had to drag her back to our towels and pour water directly into her eye. there was so much in it i couldn't see any of her eyeball. i was petrified that i had blinded her. to top it off our next door neighbour from home suddenly appeared right next to us and was staring at C. screaming. i knew she was thinking 'what a horrible sister'

how embarrassing

i was walking down mt alexander road to meet my friend C. to have lunch with her and these two workmen beeped at me.

well, i was pretty happy, because that hasn't happened since high school. we used to walk in a group down sunshine ave and count the number of beeps we would get. i guess that doesn't happen anymore because i drive everywhere now.

anyway, so i'm there with a goofy smile on my face thinking 'i am so cool'... then i tripped over NOTHING and nearly fell on my chin.

when i told A. this he didn't even hardly respond. He is so used to it. i even had a dream last night that i was looking down at my legs and they were covered in little bruises from falling over.

maybe i have a middle ear infection ... one that has lasted the last 23 years hehe

i found the lolly

ugh. i just found the lolly (re: tuesday july 3rd)

it's superglued to my carpet. i can't get it out. i found it just as i was running out last night fr salsa, so i just covered it with a receipt so i wouldn't step on it on the way back it.

i just looked at it now, i think i'm going to have to cut my carpet up.

magic trick pick ups

i was listening to hamish and andy on the drive home today and the topic was 'has a magician or someone pretending to be a magician ever used magic tricks as a way to try to pick you up?

i thought 'god, not only is that a pretty bloody specific question, but no one is going to call in, who on earth... oh god...' and i suddenly remembered that back in 2001 this happened to me. i had completely omitted it from my memory.

i was in my final year of vce and i had to take my folio down to monash uni to have it viewed from when i was applying to do graphic design. i was really upset because when i took my folio out of the back seat of my parents car the night before i saw all these scratches over it from some metal that was in the car. so i was grumpy because it was brand new and i had wrecked it.

i had to catch public transport to monash caulfield. fyi... it's two 45 minute train rides to get there. and it was raining. and the sky was black. and my hair was frizzing. and i got lost. the interview went really well, but it just started BUCKETING down as soon as i left.

i got on the first train.

and it began.

i ALWAYS attract the freaks on public transport. i could write literally thousands of blogs on my experiences. i DO NOT invite them in any way. i walk in with my head down, i never make eye contact with anyone, i take a book to read, i turn my phone on silent. and yet somehow i still am always the centre of VERY BAD attention in the carriage. i always used to look around despairingly thinking 'what's wrong with picking on someone else in this carriage? why me?'

anyway, back to my train ride. this guy started talking to me. he seemed a bit hyper so i was trying to give him polite but short answers in a bid to make him bored. i'm always too afraid to annoy them just in case they turn feral and i know that everyone on the train would pretend they can't see it.

he started talking heaps, about how he'd gone all over the world and travelled and had all these different jobs and experienced so much. but he spoke fast and fervently, which intimidated me.

suddenly he pulls out what i at first thought was a used pink condom.

'bee, get the hell off at the next stop i don't care how long it takes me to get home, if that thing touches me-'

then he put it to his mouth and blew. it was a balloon. and another. and another. suddenly he had 5 or so long skinny balloons, which he gathered up in his hands and twisted into an enormous flower with 2 sets of petals.

i'll admit it was quite pretty... FOR A THREE YEAR OLD. anyway, he insisted i take it. i tried to think of a logical excuse that wouldn't offend him.

'ah, no thanks. it's nice, but i'm going home and i can't carry that-'
'aha! well i'll make it easy for you then!'

whithin 3 minutes he deftly attached a balloon dog leash to my folio strap without asking me, and attached the balloon dog leash to a balloon dog and wrapped the flower in the middle. so i was carrying half a circus hands-free.

by this time i thought he was a complete and total loony and i was petrified. he was acting so psychotic about the balloons and me taking them.

finally it got to my stop and i jumped off with all these enormous balloons. he followed me and talked to me as we got on the bus. i thought 'oh my god, if i get off at my stop he's going to follow me home' but luckily he didn't. i think by that time he finally became bored because of my one word answers.

i walked from the bus stop to my house absolutely mortified. i couldn't litter all the balloons in the street, and there were no bins out that afternoon.

i came in through the front door and mum and my sister ran up and yelled 'how was the in... ter... view... what the?' they stood and stared at me, dripping wet, frizzy hair, running make up, slumped to one side from heavy folio, which had a balloon dog and enormous yellow and pink flower attached to it.

'public transport' i answered.

confusing dreams with reality

oh my god. now that i've made up for all the lost sleep from last week, things are slowly drifting into my mind that i cannot believe actually occurred.

firstly, i would like to say i dreamt this afternoon in a 3 minute nap that i was paris hilton's personal assistant. i think need to have my dreams analysed. i'm the only one in my workplace who isn't paris obsessed and i really don't care to talk about her more than maybe once every 3 months in passing, and i'm having dreams about her. what the hell, anyway...

ok, back to my original story, i remembered today while at work what i did last week in my psychotic non sleep period due to coughing. i went to sleep taking cough medicine, it looked like there was 10 mls left in the bottle, so i just poured it down my throat. a drop touched my tongue. literally. i pulled the bottle away from my mouth and looked again. it looked like there was medicine in there... by this time i was nearly breaking out in a sweat because it was too late to go out to buy more and all the shops were closed. upon inspecting the bottle under the light i realised that it wasn't medicine it was the thick glass base.

then i really started sweating. i was so tired and i needed that medicine.

ok. let's try other things to stop coughing.

as much as i am anti-tablets unless they're herbal, i didn't care that night. i took panadol even though i know under a normal rested condition that it does s**t all of coughs.

i went to bed... i coughed... i sat up in bed with pillows propped up behind me... i coughed... i got up and made tea with lemon and went to bed... i coughed... i got up and drank boiling water with lemon... i coughed... i got up and found in an old handbag a dubious looking sachet of lemsip, i drank it and went to bed... i coughed... i got up and poured honey into my throat... i coughed.

then i figured the only time i stopped coughing was when i was eating or drinking. aha! i jumped up for the millionth time and went to the pantry. the only lollies i could find was a 2 year old jar of castlemaine rock, which are hard boiled lollies. my plan was to suck on it and fall asleep. i wasn't even afraid of choking on it and no one hearing and dying... death at that stage was preferable to coughing any more.

the lollies were stuck.

because they'd been they're for so long they'd fused together into one giant rock. i grabbed a pen and tried to prise one of the lollies off the others. the pen broke. i tried with the other side of the pen. it broke too. i then grabbed a pair of scissors (this was a 4.47am) pushing...pushing...pushing...POP! a massive lolly flew out of jar and onto... i have no idea. i heard it land somewhere in my room, but the lollies are the same colour as my carpet. i finally gave up and went to bed and waited for 9am to go buy more cough medicine.

so now i'm in my room trying to find a trail of ants that will lead me to the much anticipated lolly.

cough suppressant

pharmacists are psychotic. why would a pharmacist argue with me when i haven't slept in three nights because of my cough from my bronchitis? i know i wouldn't argue with me, i would just give myself what i wanted and shut up.

thursday i went into work after not sleeping the entire night because we ran out of cough medicine. i went to my desk, threw my work down, and announced that i was going back out to the chemist to get cough medicine.

i was coughing so much i nearly had several accidents driving there. i ran from the parking space into the chemist and asked the nice looking lady for cough suppressant. And it began...

Lady: is it a chesty cough?

Me: yes, but-

Lady: well then, we'll just give you the expectorant then

(note - expectorant MAKES you cough, not stops the cough)

Me: no, i really haven't slept in-

Lady: well, you need to break up what's in your chest! so here's a bottle of-
Me: no, you don't understand, i haven't slept in 3 nights and-
Lady: i can only sell you the expectorant if you have a chesty cough-

Me: I NEED TO SLEEP! I HAVEN'T SLEPT IN 3 NIGHTS! I DON'T WANT EXPECTORANT, I WANT THE SUPPRESSANT!

Lady: (shrunk in size) ahem, well, i just talk this over with the pharmacist, shall i? (ran to the pharmacist)

Pharmacist: here you go, here is some suppressant

Me: thank you. i just really need to sleep. thank you so much. thank you

i went back to work for three hours, but after having taken the medicine i was still coughing to the point where i was sweating. i made an appointment at the doctor's and left work, suspecting bronchitis. upon going home i actually read the medicine... EXPECTORANT! aaaaagggggghhhhh those sneaky *****

after the doctor's appointment, where he confirmed that yes, i did have bronchitis and gave me antibiotics i went back to another chemist to pick up suppressant. by this time i felt like an absolute lunatic and i was ready to get into a physical fight for the correct medicine. i approached the counter.

Me: I need cough suppresant. I haven't slept in three nights. I can't get better if i can't sleep. I have a chesty cough but i cannot take any more expectorant because i NEED SLEEP.

Lady: well, if you have a chesty cough-
Me: NO

Lady: i'm sorry, suppressant is for a different-

Me: I need to sleep! I need suppressant! (all the workers were looking at me by this point)
Lady: well, how about i go and grab the pharmacist for you... (ran away like previous lady)

Pharmacist: all we can give you is the-

Me: Please. i'm taking antibiotics. I need sleep. I really need sleep. I'm turning into a lunatic (her face looked like she agreed with me on this point) please please please
Pharmacist: (went behind the counter and produced a small red bottle that looked like a saviour) you can only take this at night. it is a suppressant, but it will make you very drowsy. is that ok?
Me: (nearly crying from happiness after seeing that the bottle actually did say what she said) yes that's ok, thank you so much, thank you.

i went home and took it immediately. whithin 20 seconds i had stopped coughing. completely. i lay my head down on the pillow and fell asleep in seconds with an enormous smile stretched across my face. what bliss.

now that i've slept 14 hours non stop and feel quite human again, i am seriously considering going back to both chemists to sincerely apologize.