my imperfections

-the fruit sticker issues

-i injure myself and i refuse to go to the doctor's cos i know he'll say to stop dancing. when i wrecked my achilles from salsa a year ago i had no choice but to go to the physio, who KILLED me (and, i might add, is also a total sleaze) and insisted i stay off my foot for 2 months. over the past 12 months i've continued to go back to him because i now tell him strait out 'Listen, i'm not going to stop dancing, in fact i'm going in 3 hours, and tomorrow, and the day after that, and the day after that.' but i think i have a piece of bone floating around in my right foot and my right ankle is currently swollen for no real reason, but i won't go. even worse - he'll tell me that it's fluid and that i have to get it drained. so i just won't go.

-i laugh at inappropriate times. sometimes, to cut the tension, i will burst out laughing. it is HORRIBLE, and i have almost slapped myself accross the face when i do this. i also make light of issues when the other person is still nowhere near the point where they can joke or relax about whatever it is that they're opening up to me about. the thing that makes this just THE WORST is that i DO have a filter to stop doing this - cos i've never ever done that to my clients at work. so i CAN stop myself - but i don't.

-sometimes i get so caught up in my own stuff that i don't realise that people around me are upset. admittedly - not often - and perhaps it's just that normally i would pride myself on noticing that the couple of times that this has happened have made me think that it's a real problem. actually, that leads onto the next imperfection...

-i don't know what the hell to do with introverted people. i am so extroverted, more than anyone i know. i get angry at introverts. i don't understand them. i don't get why they won't open up. i don't see why they feel a need to hide things. i spoke about this with a fellow work colleague (another extreme extrovert) and i told her that you could ask me almost anything and i would answer. 'K... what colour knickers are you wearing?' without sparing a second i blurted 'greyish silver with pink embroidered flowers on them, the brazilian cut where the bottom of your butt cheeks show.' and then she said 'now, an extreme introvert would think that you're absolutely nucking futs...' i can understand how, logically, they must think of me, but i STILL don't get them. i am actually inclined to say that i can't be friends with them... that is disgusting of me.

-i become absolutely furious when people are upset with me and keep it in and then explode. i CANNOT handle it. then even if i am in the wrong, for whatever reason they're angry with me about, i will feel justified in going off my tree at them because they didn't tell me earlier. the BESTEST time was when my close friend, S., pulled me aside one day and told me she was beginning (beginning... so important) to get uspet with me cos i was taking a joke too far. i backed down, apologised, thanked her a million times over, and then hinted to my other mates that i would LOVE it if they did the same.

-i hardly ever finish anything. i get super duper excited about something, and i go around telling everyone about how great it is, and i start, and i'm totally into it and then BOOM! there's something else! and i run.

-as i'm getting older i'm realising that i can't handle people in my life who don't hold the same moral values as i do. i have actually cut two people totally out of my life in the past 12 months because, basically, i couldn't get along with them. this might not sound unusual - but i've always gotten along with everyone, and now i found there are some people i can't even put up with.

-i have confrontation issue as has been explored a bagillion times in these 2 blogs. that said - i still managed to be direct with those two people i don't like - that's how little patience i now have for people who don't share my values.

-i fight for the sake of fighting. i actually love and thrive on argueing, and i'm not willing to understand how some people don't want to fight back. again - i know i'm wrong - but i still don't get it.

-if i'm upset i usually hide it in front of strangers. with anyone i even slightly know i will pour my heart out and tell them every miniscule problem that's going on in my life (eg> right now) this is not a good thing.

-if someone doesn't notice that i'm upset, and jokes with me / pokes fun at me / slaps my butt or something as a joke I BURST INTO TEARS. and then, cos i'm so rarely down, they don't know what to do and are at a loss. and i can't stop crying. i have burst into tears at work before (not in front of clients) and at home and with friends and boyfriends. this is really the pot calling the kettle black cos when i know that someone is down i tease them in a bid to take them out of it. agh.

ok this post is upsetting me. below i've pasted my Myer Briggs personality type ENFP

Portrait of an ENFP - Extraverted iNtuitive Feeling Perceiving
(Extraverted Intuition with Introverted Feeling)

The Inspirer

As an ENFP, your primary mode of living is focused externally, where you take things in primarily via your intuition. Your secondary mode is internal, where you deal with things according to how you feel about them, or how they fit in with your personal value system.

ENFPs are warm, enthusiastic people, typically very bright and full of potential. They live in the world of possibilities, and can become very passionate and excited about things. Their enthusiasm lends them the ability to inspire and motivate others, more so than we see in other types. They can talk their way in or out of anything. They love life, seeing it as a special gift, and strive to make the most out of it.

ENFPs have an unusually broad range of skills and talents. They are good at most things which interest them. Project-oriented, they may go through several different careers during their lifetime. To onlookers, the ENFP may seem directionless and without purpose, but ENFPs are actually quite consistent, in that they have a strong sense of values which they live with throughout their lives. Everything that they do must be in line with their values. An ENFP needs to feel that they are living their lives as their true Self, walking in step with what they believe is right. They see meaning in everything, and are on a continuous quest to adapt their lives and values to achieve inner peace. They're constantly aware and somewhat fearful of losing touch with themselves. Since emotional excitement is usually an important part of the ENFP's life, and because they are focused on keeping "centered", the ENFP is usually an intense individual, with highly evolved values.

An ENFP needs to focus on following through with their projects. This can be a problem area for some of these individuals. Unlike other Extraverted types, ENFPs need time alone to center themselves, and make sure they are moving in a direction which is in sync with their values. ENFPs who remain centered will usually be quite successful at their endeavors. Others may fall into the habit of dropping a project when they become excited about a new possibility, and thus they never achieve the great accomplishments which they are capable of achieving.

Most ENFPs have great people skills. They are genuinely warm and interested in people, and place great importance on their inter-personal relationships. ENFPs almost always have a strong need to be liked. Sometimes, especially at a younger age, an ENFP will tend to be "gushy" and insincere, and generally "overdo" in an effort to win acceptance. However, once an ENFP has learned to balance their need to be true to themselves with their need for acceptance, they excel at bringing out the best in others, and are typically well-liked. They have an exceptional ability to intuitively understand a person after a very short period of time, and use their intuition and flexibility to relate to others on their own level.

Because ENFPs live in the world of exciting possibilities, the details of everyday life are seen as trivial drudgery. They place no importance on detailed, maintenance-type tasks, and will frequently remain oblivous to these types of concerns. When they do have to perform these tasks, they do not enjoy themselves. This is a challenging area of life for most ENFPs, and can be frustrating for ENFP's family members.
An ENFP who has "gone wrong" may be quite manipulative - and very good it. The gift of gab which they are blessed with makes it naturally easy for them to get what they want. Most ENFPs will not abuse their abilities, because that would not jive with their value systems.

ENFPs sometimes make serious errors in judgment. They have an amazing ability to intuitively perceive the truth about a person or situation, but when they apply judgment to their perception, they may jump to the wrong conclusions.

ENFPs who have not learned to follow through may have a difficult time remaining happy in marital relationships. Always seeing the possibilities of what could be, they may become bored with what actually is. The strong sense of values will keep many ENFPs dedicated to their relationships. However, ENFPs like a little excitement in their lives, and are best matched with individuals who are comfortable with change and new experiences.

Having an ENFP parent can be a fun-filled experience, but may be stressful at times for children with strong Sensing or Judging tendancies. Such children may see the ENFP parent as inconsistent and difficult to understand, as the children are pulled along in the whirlwind life of the ENFP. Sometimes the ENFP will want to be their child's best friend, and at other times they will play the parental authoritarian. But ENFPs are always consistent in their value systems, which they will impress on their children above all else, along with a basic joy of living.

ENFPs are basically happy people. They may become unhappy when they are confined to strict schedules or mundane tasks. Consequently, ENFPs work best in situations where they have a lot of flexibility, and where they can work with people and ideas. Many go into business for themselves. They have the ability to be quite productive with little supervision, as long as they are excited about what they're doing.

Because they are so alert and sensitive, constantly scanning their environments, ENFPs often suffer from muscle tension. They have a strong need to be independent, and resist being controlled or labelled. They need to maintain control over themselves, but they do not believe in controlling others. Their dislike of dependence and suppression extends to others as well as to themselves.

ENFPs are charming, ingenuous, risk-taking, sensitive, people-oriented individuals with capabilities ranging across a broad spectrum. They have many gifts which they will use to fulfill themselves and those near them, if they are able to remain centered and master the ability of following through.

i am a star... Happy-Go-Lucky

so the movie starts...
5 seconds of watching the main character and everyone has a smile on their lips...
10 seconds in and everyone is having a chuckle...
15 seconds and we all openly laugh...

20 second... I stop laughing, everyone else laughs harder...
25 seconds... I begin to frown slightly, the guy behind me slaps his knee with laughter, and my friend S. is sinking into her seat.

30 seconds... I turn to S. and whisper fiercely 'S.! this girl is like me! that's me!'

S. turns to me, still laughing, then sees the expression on my face and begins to laugh harder... 'Oh my god Bee, you're right, it's you!'

hilarious... not.

the experience of sitting down watching a fictional character do things that you, a real human being, would do, and getting it right with every second that passes was insane. I was distressed as i knew that there would be things in the movie i hated about myself, but at the same time it was interesting... like 'what would I do?' and tell the character in my head what to do before she did it. and getting it right.

it wasn't the obvious stuff, mind you, like the art or the kids or the being single, although that stuff was all on the ball too.

it was the getting sucked in. i am a sucker. i am an intelligent person... i was always a strait A student, i got my degree without dedicating more than 20 hours over the years for study, i have never had to read anything twice... for goodness' sake my IQ is enough to get into bloody mensa. and yet the rational part of me can never manage to override the emotional.

i am the person who starts random conversations with the bookstore owner.

i am the person who, if they don't engage with me, i try even harder, to the point of being even more of a dickhead.

i am the person who, if someone steals something of mine i think 'well, they must have stolen it for a reason, they obviously needed it much more than i did.'

i am most certainly the person who begins conversations with random homeless people, even when they have clearly had a stroke in Broca's area and the conversation goes nowhere.

and i am the person, who, even after i get completely screwed over, i try to fix the person who did the wrong thing by me because i feel sorry for them.

but what made me upset about this movie was the ending. the whole movie i kept on saying her answers to myself before she said them, and then at the very end she was confronted with a terrible situation, the kind i am always dealing with. when someone asks you something and you should say no but you feel sorry for them and say yes.

well, i whispered in my head to her 'yes!'.

and she thought and thought and thought about her answer... and said, 'umm, no.'

and that was the end of the film. and it was closure for her because she has managed to work out when to say no and be firm. and now i'm freaking out because i've realised that i clearly still don't know how on earth to say no. i can't even tell the fictional Bee to say no.

i have to work out a way to be able to say no and feel no guilt.