i love australia

update for those of you who don't already know this. Kevin Rudd is a big politician running for prime minister very soon in Australia. Opposition attempted a smear campaign by releasing details that basically said that 4 years ago, while on business in america, he went to the strippers.

the reaction has been hilarious. not only has he gone UP in popularity and on the official polls, but this last ordeal has now convinced the australian public that we can now count on him to become our new prime minister and is being referred to as that.

his reaction: 'well, they're not really my thing, but i went, and the next day i called my wife, she called me a goose, we both got over it. i've been a couple of other times too, when i was in uni. not my scene.' i guess the reason everyone is loving this explanation so much is it's just so truthful. i love that australians can see past it and be realistic that everyone makes mistakes.

anyway... i've been once to the strippers by accident. i went to a club in the city with my good friend C., and after a few dances we decided to go upstairs, thinking it was just another room in the club. we were both tired as it was a friday night, and it wasn't until we had walked into the room, taken off our coats, bought drinks and sat down that we noticed that the girls around us were wearing very little. And we were the only girls in the place, apart from the naked ones. Promptly a stripper came out on stage in a bubble bath. Yes, we had managed to walk into a strip club without even knowing it. we stayed for about 20 minutes, analysing the girls' perfect skin and smooth cellulite-free legs then left.

eyebrows

again, i was forced to go out because 'now that you and A. have broken up, you need to get out!' this was even enforced by my parents, shockingly. that's because they don't know how disgusting meatmarkets aka clubs are.

so i was at work all day friday complaining that i didn't want to go out, and i just wanted to stay at home and read. when i got home, before jumping in the shower, i inspected my eyebrows and realised they were in depserate need of waxing. out comes the wax pot, into the microwave.

25 seconds i don't want to go

20 seconds i like my cousin, D. (who was taking me out), but her friends...

15 seconds her friend L. shits me up the wall

10 seconds ugh, if L. comes tonight

5 seconds i'll scream

i did my eyebrows while thinking about D.'s friend L., who is the most socially retarded person i know. i smeared a little bit of wax under the arch of my left eyebrow as i remembered the time when L. nearly ran up the back of my car because she is such a ditz. when i placed the cotton over the wax i must have been really frustrated and pressing way too hard, because when i ripped it off i looked in the mirror...

'What the fuck?' i said to my reflection. i looked down at the cotton in my hand and there was half my eyebrow in the wax. thinking about L. made me press and smear the wax onto the rest of my eyebrow and i proceeded to wax it off. it was a great start to the night!

clubbing...ugh

'come out bee! night out with the girls! come on!!! you know you should, it'll get your mind off things...'

the night that ensued...

i got ready and went to my best friends, L.'s house. the other two girls arrived at 11pm, M. and T., and we all began drinking jim bean. ugh. we smelt like boys.

T. was our designated driver, so off we went just before midnight to find icon bar. we drove through the city for an hour before finding a park. it was so tight it became one of those austin power moments going back and forth a million times. by this time M. was so busting to go to the toilet that we had to walk into a deserted alley and surround her while she dropped her pants and peed on the ground. i know this sounds so feral, but this is what happens if you drink and you're stuck in a car for an hour. anyway...

went to icon. from outside we could hear madonna's 'like a prayer'. it really put us off. M. started saying that she would just go in, make a 3 minute appearance to her cheerleading group that were there, then run out and we could head off somewhere else. the security guard overheard us and just let us in for free, but even for free i didn't really want to go in.

went in. SO not impressed with the quality of the people, or the dancing for that matter. wierd girls and boys doing wierd moves and ugh. went upstairs, took off my coat, sat on it neatly, and began counting out 25 minutes which was the absolute maximum i was going to stay in that hell hole. girl to the left of me was drunk beyond belief and doing some disgusting body rolls and her friends were laughing like hyenas. everywhere i looked the scene was ugly.

guys kept coming up to us, asking us to dance. we all declined them again and again. finally, out of politeness, we went downstairs to dance with the cheerleaders. i put my jacket on and buttoned it up. i shoved my hands in my pockets and barely swayed, the music was atrocious, but i could tell that people there were too drunk or high to even notice. this random guy from across the circle kept trying to make eye contact. i ignored him. he slowly edged his way around the circle. ignored him. he began dancing behind me, then began grabbing my arm to try to drag me out. i turned around and said 'no'. i just kept on grabbing my arm again and again, more agressively and it began to hurt. 'no! i don't want to dance!' L. then noticed and sort of blocked him after turning around and saying something.

i felt like i must be doing something wrong. i don't get how to not get guy's attention. i was covered from head to toe, the only part that was showing was half my face cos the other half was covered in hair. there are a million drunk skanky half naked girls around me, pick them up.

M. then grabbed her bag, and discreetly walked past us all whispering 'LEAVE NOW! DON'T LOOK BACK!' which we did. outside, finally. we did another austin powers move to get the car out of the spot, and started heading towards copa. thank god. latin. normal music and lovely dancing.

turing into smith from victoria, giving way to three pedestrians, drunk boys around our age. upon seeing that we were all girls in the car two of them proceeded to drop their pants, and rub their bare butts against the car door and one of them on M.'s window. she was screaming her head off, and we couldn't drive or go anywhere cos one was on the bonnet. i closed my eyes so tight, and to tell the truth, blamed A. for our breakup because i certainly wouldn't be in that predicament if we were together, which of course i know now is a ridiculous thing to think.

at copa, the girls were impressed with the band and the singer's dancing. M. of course, as is customary for her, began fluttering her eyes at the gay one. she is always in denial when we point out to her that the guys she likes are gay. we began dancing on the elevated stage, and after 2 minutes there were two guys trying to sandwich me. we moved. they followed. we moved again. we must have moved 6 times before they got the hint. again, i'm not doing anything different from the rest of the girls, so why? really i don't get it. and i certainly didn't look good, considering i had put my makeup on at 8pm and it was now 3am.

then this guy and girl dancing next to us got dirty. people are SO FERAL AND HAVE NO SHAME. he was sort of dirty dancing with her then he grabbed her head and pushed her face down to his crotch where she began to pretend to give him a head job. we didn't even hide our disgust,we just all walked off.

we grabbed some drinks (now we were all on water after our discussion in the car that drunk people are so disgusting, even though all we do when were drunk is laugh, not give head jobs) i taugh M. some salsa off the stage. we went next door for some kebabs. then we went home and all slept over L.'s house.

the only highlight of the night was when we got home and realised that we didn't stink of cigarette smoke because of the new no smoking laws. that was a nice change.

what a night.