you can't be friends with the opposite sex

i feel sick to my stomach. i feel like i've done something wrong, very wrong, and i've done absolutely NOTHING.

in a nutshell, i have been associating with someone of the opposite sex. and associating isn't a metaphor for something else, i have literally just been talking and not just that, it's been strictly work related.

oh what a mess i've made.

this guy, let's call him 4, knows a lot about the job i'm going into. I will sort of be working with him when i begin, but not in the same building. since he knows everything, i thought it would make sense for me to ask him about the job and the ins and outs. (no pun intended)

4 is great... but 4 reminds me of someone else, not an ex boyfriend, not my brother (eww), but instead he reminds me of myself. I look at him and think he would get along fantastically with my friends and he makes me cry with laughter. i've said a gazillion times before to 4 and people we work with; '4 is a female version of me'

now i think he likes me. well, not so much think, i'm quite certain. he just invited me, which is what has sparked this post, to his best friend's birthday. it just made me think of when A and i had been together for a while and he announced to me that he had decided that he was ready to 'present' me to his friends at his christmas parties and birthdays. hehe, i still can't think of him saying that without giggling, i love when people whose second language is english speak so properly.

i could be reading waaaaay too much into it. but i don't think i am, i think i'm correct.

what i will miss (or not miss) from the youth centre...

things i have done over my period of time at the youth centre:

-asked young people when they last had sex while giving them condom after condom knowing they won't use them
-held a young person's tooth in my bare hand while blood gushed from her lip onto my arm (yes, i tested myself, all good)
-witnessed young people ram their heads against brick walls in anger
-listened to parents who have no one else to talk to speak of their children for forever on end
-given insulin injections
-been vomited on by a newborn (it was a good excuse to go to myers and buy another tshirt)
-been the mediator of so much teeny bopper gossip on youth programs
-been hit with footballs, tennis balls, yo ho diabolos, foam missiles etc
-been covered at one time or another in pva glue, glitter, sequins, staples etc
-been the object of lust for some twenty something boys (as in, they lusted after me, not the other way around)
-had my desk lost amongst the most enormous pile of art supplies i could ever imagine... had to take off my shoes and literally jump over boxes to get out.
-some other horrible stuff that is coming to mind that i shouldn't write on my blog


my achievements:
-broke the photocopier at least 5 times (i think 4 of those times were within one fortnight)
-tried to fix the photocopier once with my boss and a screw driver set only to REALLY break it
-drank at least two thousand of the two thousand one hundred and sixty litres of water we've ordered over the last 2 years
-got paid to work out how much water i've drank on the calculator haha
-been the instigator of fake gossip when i've been bored
-been the passer on of quite a bit of real gossip
-been a large part of the cause for getting facebook blocked
-lied to my boss / her boss / unit leader / manager / mayor at some time or another to cover for someone else

first for everything...

i went christmas shopping (well, not really, my sister C. went shopping and I, the chauffeur, dragged my feet along behind her) at highpoint last weekend. And i witnessed something I'd never seen before.

I saw two guys walking hand in hand, laughing, then one turned to the other and gave him a quick peck on the lips. They smilled at each other, and kept on walking.

I am very anti homophobia. I have quit a job before because there was a moron who i had to work closely with that used to bash homosexuals and once pushed a couple of guys into the yarra because they kissed in front of him and his son. he thought his son might get ideas. he told me with no remorse that if his son was gay he would never speak to him again, and also get divorced because he knew his wife would continue to talk to their son.

I am disgusted that this is the first time i have seen a same sex couple kiss. There are so many teeny boppers nearly having sex with one another on level one at highpoint, and that's ok because they're hetrosexual? so 10% of the world need to stay silent and to themselves? what crap...

movember

tiger balm madness

oh god.

i just bought 8 new pairs of contact lenses; 2 violet, 2 light brown, 2 grey, 1 green, 1 blue. I have been wearing the violet ones for the past week with no problems. i wore an orangey-red dress on the weekend and decided it would go well with green eyes... so out came a new pack of contacts.

i tried to put them in my eyes and they stung like crazy, i could only get one in and i couldn't stop crying and my nose turned into a tap and i took it out and that was the end of that.

the next day exactly the same thing happened. i rinsed and re rinsed the contacts. still turned me into a bright red mess so i gave up.

third time lucky today... not. not even 1 second after i put the contact in my eye all the white turned bright pink. i took it out and dialled my optometrist furiously with water pouring out of my pink eye and bright red nostril.

'... i have rinsed them... several times, it's been 3 days of rinsing and rerinsing... no it's not because i'm not used to them, it feels like my eyeball is on fire, it feels like -'

OH MY GOD

'...deep heat...'

i nearly said tiger balm. it clicked suddenly that the contact lens problem coincided with me buying a new jar of tiger balm which i have been applying liberally every minute of the day to every dance injury area of my body.

'... not a problem Miss Bee, please keep your contact lenses and we will replace them free of charge, you obviously received a dodgey pair.'

i feel like crap. i'm now waiting for karma to come and bite me for being a stupid idiot.

come on karma.

linguistics is the root of my problem...

i was breath tested on the way to dancing last night even though it was early, probably Melbourne Cup related. i wound down my window and there were two police officers chatting away and slowly coming up to me.

now i'm not sure if i found this difficult to deal with because i have my degree in english and linguistics, but hmmm....

the police officer was talking to his friend in a monotonous voice 'yeah-i-know-what-you're-saying-and-please-take-one-continous-breath-until-i-say-agree-with-you-stop-completely-about-it-joe-when-the-breathaliser-beeps-twice-it-will-indicate-to-me-that-you-are-right-to-go.'

well firstly when he said stop i thought he was talking to the other cop so i kept blowing and turning red cos i was running out of breath then he just sort of pulled it out of my mouth. and had no idea that he even told me that i was right to go.

i was so tempted to say 'listen to my pauses... pay attention to my intonation... TAKE IT ON BOARD!'

i am a loser

so i went to the spot and was dancing with my friend S. and i was looking around to check out who i knew cos it was latin night. S. even said to me 'stop looking around, you'll attract guys'. should have listened to her...

so i kept on looking around and suddenly A. was standing behind S. and looking at me. well for some unknown reason i freaked. i looked at him, did not hide my shocked expression AT ALL, looked down and stood still while contemplating my next move (i am such an idiot)

this is what was going through my head ...




nothing. well apart from 'think of what to do!' repeating, there were actually no thoughts of what to do. after a few seconds i decided the best thing would be to smile, but i should have planned it a bit more carefully cos i looked up and gave him this manic just-got-out-of-the-psych-ward smile and then looked away. then i was even more upset with myself than before. i decided to give up so i said to S. 'hey, A. i here.' 'do you want to leave?' 'i want to go out for a smoke'

so we started walking to the exit and we stood in the entrance and i started explaining to her my scary smile etc then i stopped abruptly because he was standing behind her AGAIN. He asked if it was ok to come out for a smoke with us.

the conversation that ensued was the most ridiculously stilted convo i've ever had in my life, the whole time i was unable to comprehend A.'s questions because i was yelling at myself in my head 'BE NORMAL YOU MORON!'

Ugh, i am a loser. I don't understand why i reacted that way. i so have to leave the country to get away from my idiocy.

why italians are not our choice

after the arranged marriage proposal my parents put forward to me, i saw my cousin who had actually asked her parents to find her a boy. upon my parents telling her that he was italian, she scrunched up her nose and said 'oh no, i'm not marrying an italian.'

'why not!?' all our parents cried in unison.

'for three reasons. one, he'll cheat on me. all italians our age think it's the normal thing to do. all italian guys have a girlfriend and a mistress. i don't want that. two, they all speak like morons. i don't want to be correcting my husband every day for the rest of my life because he says 'wif' instead of 'with'. they're all born in australia anyway, so they just like to sound stupid. and last (i pissed myself laughing when i heard this) i'm very family oriented, and i need to find a husband with no family, because i'm not giving up on seeing my family at all, and that way if he has no family we can both just go to my stuff. no italian boy has no family. so i don't know who i can marry.'

i don't know either!

arranged marriages... again

i have been watching my parent's reaction to A. and me breaking up. they've changed their game plan every week. so far this is what has unfurled:

week 1- absolute complete and total silence. they didn't ask me to clean my room, wash dishes, do a few loads in the laundry, nothing at all. it wasn't even like i couldn't have done those things, they were literally running around in circles doing everything before i got a chance to.

week 2- pretty much the same as week 1 but i just began to ignore them and did the normal cleaning i do at home. i don't really get how not making me clean was going to make me feel better, anyway.

week 3- dad booked me in for a whole day of weeding the garden. i'm serious. after around 4 hours of weeding he came up and informed me that 'weeding is very therapuetic you know.' aha, so now they're making their own therapies for me. it didn't matter though, i spent the whole time thinking about how much A. would have loved to be weeding the garden, in some old clothes and getting all dirty in the sunshine with our duck walking around.

week 3 1/2- mum and dad come home to find me drinking a beer with dinner. ONE BEER. i haven't had any sort of alcohol in i don't even know how long, cos i'm always dancing or working with kids. mum and dad began to question me about the boys i was going to the snow with, along with the comment 'you always drink when you're down.' insane. i drink around 8 standard drink per annum. spent the weekend away thinking how much A. would have loved snowboarding, not drinking and sleeping with guys who until very recently i thought were gay.

week 4- my family... lunch time... eating happily... suddenly dad explains that he's found me a husband, he's known him for a long time, and it's ok because he knows the family too and they're ok. mum turns to him and exclaims 'don't say that to Bee... (i'm thinking whew, he's only joking)... because now she's going to get stressed out when he comes to dinner.' what the hell... instant visions of my big fat greek wedding and disgusting men coming to the house. left the table before i could hear any more, so i'm not really certain if it's true or they were just joking. well, actually i left the table right after yelling that i will never marry an italian man because all italians are sleaze buckets and cheat on their wives. my parents think this is ridiculous because they have never cheated on one another. they're like the only ones.

anyway... bit scared as to what week 5 will bring... i'm trying to go out dancing as much as possible so therefore i won't be able to make the dinners with cheating italian men.

the pic above is the kind of northern italian guy our parents are expecting us to marry. the pic below shows what we are picturing...

i love australia

update for those of you who don't already know this. Kevin Rudd is a big politician running for prime minister very soon in Australia. Opposition attempted a smear campaign by releasing details that basically said that 4 years ago, while on business in america, he went to the strippers.

the reaction has been hilarious. not only has he gone UP in popularity and on the official polls, but this last ordeal has now convinced the australian public that we can now count on him to become our new prime minister and is being referred to as that.

his reaction: 'well, they're not really my thing, but i went, and the next day i called my wife, she called me a goose, we both got over it. i've been a couple of other times too, when i was in uni. not my scene.' i guess the reason everyone is loving this explanation so much is it's just so truthful. i love that australians can see past it and be realistic that everyone makes mistakes.

anyway... i've been once to the strippers by accident. i went to a club in the city with my good friend C., and after a few dances we decided to go upstairs, thinking it was just another room in the club. we were both tired as it was a friday night, and it wasn't until we had walked into the room, taken off our coats, bought drinks and sat down that we noticed that the girls around us were wearing very little. And we were the only girls in the place, apart from the naked ones. Promptly a stripper came out on stage in a bubble bath. Yes, we had managed to walk into a strip club without even knowing it. we stayed for about 20 minutes, analysing the girls' perfect skin and smooth cellulite-free legs then left.

look at moiye kimmy

oh

my

god.

i nearly stuffed up soooo badly on friday. i wish i could replay the scene and do what i wanted to do and see how it would have turned out.

i was shopping in a 2 dollar shop for some wrapping paper for a present while i was on my lunch break. i was browsing through the aisle when i noticed two women next to me saying the following.

'i like what she's done with her living room / her living room? / yeah haven't you seen it? / oh yeah i have, it's nice / yeah it's nice / and it's unusual / yeah it's unusual / it's nice and it's unusual'

now repeat that all in kath and kim's voice, COS THAT'S HOW THEY WERE SAYING IT!!! i turned to them with a smile on my face, about to laugh and say 'i love kath and kim too' when i realised THAT WAS REALLY THE WAY THEY SPOKE! they weren't putting it on. i grabbed some horrible orange paper and ran to the next aisle, listening to them continue

'and did you see her vase? / oh her vase! / her vase, it's nice / yeah, it's unusual but it's nice (noiyce) / it goes in her living room / her living room is nice' etc.

imagine the looks on their faces if i hadn't realised!

note - if you've never watched kath and kim you can hear their unusual way of speaking here.

eyebrows

again, i was forced to go out because 'now that you and A. have broken up, you need to get out!' this was even enforced by my parents, shockingly. that's because they don't know how disgusting meatmarkets aka clubs are.

so i was at work all day friday complaining that i didn't want to go out, and i just wanted to stay at home and read. when i got home, before jumping in the shower, i inspected my eyebrows and realised they were in depserate need of waxing. out comes the wax pot, into the microwave.

25 seconds i don't want to go

20 seconds i like my cousin, D. (who was taking me out), but her friends...

15 seconds her friend L. shits me up the wall

10 seconds ugh, if L. comes tonight

5 seconds i'll scream

i did my eyebrows while thinking about D.'s friend L., who is the most socially retarded person i know. i smeared a little bit of wax under the arch of my left eyebrow as i remembered the time when L. nearly ran up the back of my car because she is such a ditz. when i placed the cotton over the wax i must have been really frustrated and pressing way too hard, because when i ripped it off i looked in the mirror...

'What the fuck?' i said to my reflection. i looked down at the cotton in my hand and there was half my eyebrow in the wax. thinking about L. made me press and smear the wax onto the rest of my eyebrow and i proceeded to wax it off. it was a great start to the night!

losing nearly an hour of my life

this guy from my work, B., had been bugging me for a week or so to attend one of these seminars. he was vague about it, but i didn't even bother asking him questions about it because up until last night i had always thought that he and i were very alike... very obviously not the case, or he's been brainwashed, one of the two.

so i agree to stay after work last night, along with my other sucker of a co-worker, S. just before we went into this 'meeting' one of our workers said 'uh, guys, you know what it is yeah? you're going into one of those join-and-make-money-or-die thingys'

shit.

pyramid whatever it's called. you know, those networking business ventures whereby you join and then if you manage to force another 50million people to also join you then make around thirty cents? man, did i get sucked in or what.

so S. and i went in to see this tiny geeky looking man in a crumpled suit, and he was already sweating profusely. he began his spiel, basically calling us losers because we make 'active income' (we go to work for our money) as opposed to making 'passive money' (sitting at home doing nothing while the money just floats on in)

sweaty man: so, S. B. Tell me. what do you both, personally, need in life to be successful?

i immediately thought 'happiness' but then thought 'nah, corny answer, let S. answer first'.

S.: happiness
B.: yeah me too, just happiness

WRONG ANSWER TO GIVE THE SWEATY MONEY HUNGRY MAN! his temple started visibly throbbing.

sweaty man: (he sounded like he was choking when he spoke) well, of course, and in order to acheive HAPPINESS you need MONEY!!! from a PASSIVE INCOME!!!

S. and I were looking at eachother like 'uh, wdf, no you don't...'

S. and i tried to explain that we liked working and we both actually dislike staying at home. sweaty man's eyes boggled at this, his face turning purple from complete and total non-comprehension.

sweaty man: so, what do you think, will you join in this fantastic entrepenuer voyage to money making bliss?

all i wanted to do was book this guy in for intense sessions with the counsellors at work.

needless to say we didn't join.

coneheads

two thing to know about me:

1- i am a complete and total doofus.
2- i rarely take tablets. i will take vitamins no problem, but if i have a headache i won't even take a panadol, i'll just go home, lie down, and drink water. the only time i've taken medication is when i feel REALLY bad, like when i didn't sleep for 3 nights or i was in emergency.

ok, i went past my best friend's, L.'s, dance studio to pick up my sister from classes. i saw S., the girl who now has my old job at reception there, and told her i wanted to buy one of their new jumpers to wear to work with the kids. They're baggy hoodies.

S: uh, Bee, we've only got adult's extra extra large or kid's sizes.
B: i'll try the adult's... (way too big... took it off...) uh, can i try on the biggest kid's size?
S: yeeeaaaaah... but they're really small...
B: it'll be ok. here, pass it over.
S: okaaaaay
I put it on fine. it was just a bit tight under the arms.
B: nah, too tight, i'll wait till you guys get another load in... S.! I'm stuck! S.! i'm really frekin stuck!

i had my torso out but my giant head was stuck, and i mean STUCK, in the hoodie neckhole. i could hear S. pissing herself laughing, as well as my sister and the rest of her dance group. So S. grabbed the end of the jumper and started pulling with all her might... i mean, whatever, who cares if my ears come off in the process!? i was screaming in pain and fear cos i could tell that it was getting very close to the point where S. was going to have to cut it off, and i was afraid that if she came near me with scissors laughing this much i might lose an eye. i was picturing myself with no ears like the weasley twin and one eye like mad eye, but no cool one to replace it. finally S. worked out that by sticking her thick nails between my face and the hoodie (much pain!) she could slowly edge it off.

S: Bee, you're such a crack up, every time you come here you provide me with entertainment!
B: yeah...thanks... (trying to squash my head back to normal size)

i got home and my ears are so red and i feel so like a conehead i took 2 panadols.

see?
i am a doofus.

harry potter nerd

it suddenly occured to me on sunday that i had been in posession of the final book of the seven and i hadn't read more than 100 pages. so i decided that i was going to read it nonstop... right when mum was trying to get me to hang clothes out for her.

mum: bee! put that book down! get off the couch! come on, come outside...

me: mum... i'm reading HARRY POTTER!!!

mum: yeah yeah whatever, you've been reading them for nearly a decade, get up-
me: it's the FINAL BOOK!

mum: it's been in your room a week and you haven't even touched it and now that i'm asking-
me: mum! no matter what happens right now, even if the clothes get rained on, even if i have nothing to wear to work tomorrow, i'm not getting off the couch, i'm not taking the blanket off, i'm not going to stop reading. no matter what.

mum: what about at 6.30 when salsa starts? (sarcastically)
me: oh, well, then yeah, of course, i have to go dancing.

(at which point mum tackled me for the book)

anyway, i got so into it that i CALLED IN SICK today just so i could finish it.

plus i'm feeling extra potter-ish today because A. sat his butt right down on my glasses last night and now i have to wear my old ones that are round and nerdy and wizard-ish.

fall to pieces

if i'm right my world will fall to pieces.

if i'm wrong i think it will still fall to pieces.

purple disease

when the hell was my last tetanus shot anyway? prep? don't they only last 10 years? what if i have stepped on a rusty nail and i'm out of date for my injection by 8 years?

and that's the tetanus bacteria... it looks quite pretty. i'd like to have a disease that's purple!

54 HOTDOGS IN 12 MINUTES

temporomandibular joint disorder. that's what i have. basically, i have a sore jaw.
let's begin at the beginning.

i had bad dreams last night and the night before. horrible dream where i was at the dodgey IGA near work and there was a veiled lady behind me who asked which nationality i was and i replied 'italian' and she muttered something under her breath about arabs. then another dream where i was driving down kings way and when it became queens road there were roadworks and i couldn't work out which lanes were closed and i accidentally drove into the wrong lane and picked up a roadworks sign in my front right wheel and i had to stop in the middle of the traffic and no one would help me get it out. i know neither of these dreams sound too bad, but i had so many more, they were distressing all together.

anyway. this morning i went to work complaining that the left side of my jaw was aching. just after 10 i found... a piece of my tooth that i had obviously ground off during my dreams.

to stress me out further at work, everyone started googling 'sore jaw' to see what it would come up with. which is when i found out i had temporomandibular joint disorder. (well, that was the last thing i was willing to listen to after 'you have tetanus!' / 'you have lockjaw!' / 'you're just gonna die!')

except i haven't eaten 54 HOTDOGS!

clubbing...ugh

'come out bee! night out with the girls! come on!!! you know you should, it'll get your mind off things...'

the night that ensued...

i got ready and went to my best friends, L.'s house. the other two girls arrived at 11pm, M. and T., and we all began drinking jim bean. ugh. we smelt like boys.

T. was our designated driver, so off we went just before midnight to find icon bar. we drove through the city for an hour before finding a park. it was so tight it became one of those austin power moments going back and forth a million times. by this time M. was so busting to go to the toilet that we had to walk into a deserted alley and surround her while she dropped her pants and peed on the ground. i know this sounds so feral, but this is what happens if you drink and you're stuck in a car for an hour. anyway...

went to icon. from outside we could hear madonna's 'like a prayer'. it really put us off. M. started saying that she would just go in, make a 3 minute appearance to her cheerleading group that were there, then run out and we could head off somewhere else. the security guard overheard us and just let us in for free, but even for free i didn't really want to go in.

went in. SO not impressed with the quality of the people, or the dancing for that matter. wierd girls and boys doing wierd moves and ugh. went upstairs, took off my coat, sat on it neatly, and began counting out 25 minutes which was the absolute maximum i was going to stay in that hell hole. girl to the left of me was drunk beyond belief and doing some disgusting body rolls and her friends were laughing like hyenas. everywhere i looked the scene was ugly.

guys kept coming up to us, asking us to dance. we all declined them again and again. finally, out of politeness, we went downstairs to dance with the cheerleaders. i put my jacket on and buttoned it up. i shoved my hands in my pockets and barely swayed, the music was atrocious, but i could tell that people there were too drunk or high to even notice. this random guy from across the circle kept trying to make eye contact. i ignored him. he slowly edged his way around the circle. ignored him. he began dancing behind me, then began grabbing my arm to try to drag me out. i turned around and said 'no'. i just kept on grabbing my arm again and again, more agressively and it began to hurt. 'no! i don't want to dance!' L. then noticed and sort of blocked him after turning around and saying something.

i felt like i must be doing something wrong. i don't get how to not get guy's attention. i was covered from head to toe, the only part that was showing was half my face cos the other half was covered in hair. there are a million drunk skanky half naked girls around me, pick them up.

M. then grabbed her bag, and discreetly walked past us all whispering 'LEAVE NOW! DON'T LOOK BACK!' which we did. outside, finally. we did another austin powers move to get the car out of the spot, and started heading towards copa. thank god. latin. normal music and lovely dancing.

turing into smith from victoria, giving way to three pedestrians, drunk boys around our age. upon seeing that we were all girls in the car two of them proceeded to drop their pants, and rub their bare butts against the car door and one of them on M.'s window. she was screaming her head off, and we couldn't drive or go anywhere cos one was on the bonnet. i closed my eyes so tight, and to tell the truth, blamed A. for our breakup because i certainly wouldn't be in that predicament if we were together, which of course i know now is a ridiculous thing to think.

at copa, the girls were impressed with the band and the singer's dancing. M. of course, as is customary for her, began fluttering her eyes at the gay one. she is always in denial when we point out to her that the guys she likes are gay. we began dancing on the elevated stage, and after 2 minutes there were two guys trying to sandwich me. we moved. they followed. we moved again. we must have moved 6 times before they got the hint. again, i'm not doing anything different from the rest of the girls, so why? really i don't get it. and i certainly didn't look good, considering i had put my makeup on at 8pm and it was now 3am.

then this guy and girl dancing next to us got dirty. people are SO FERAL AND HAVE NO SHAME. he was sort of dirty dancing with her then he grabbed her head and pushed her face down to his crotch where she began to pretend to give him a head job. we didn't even hide our disgust,we just all walked off.

we grabbed some drinks (now we were all on water after our discussion in the car that drunk people are so disgusting, even though all we do when were drunk is laugh, not give head jobs) i taugh M. some salsa off the stage. we went next door for some kebabs. then we went home and all slept over L.'s house.

the only highlight of the night was when we got home and realised that we didn't stink of cigarette smoke because of the new no smoking laws. that was a nice change.

what a night.

valley of the dolls

jacqueline susann wrote 'valley of the dolls' in 1966, and in it she mentioned a then-current 'sleep cure'. i have no idea if it was a real medical practice back then in the 60's. it was told that it was predominantly used for mental trauma patients who had suffered some loss or grief. the example she gave was of a mother who suddenly and unexpectantly lost her teenage daughter. the pain is unimaginable so she has the sleep cure, which is a medically induced sleep for a few weeks. when she awakens the pain is there but nowhere near as bad as it would have been at the beginning, and she sleeps through the most difficult part.

i really wish i could do that right now. telling yourself 'you'll eventaully get over this' and actually believing it when you feel so hopeless is impossible. A. is the only reason i'm doing this, because i think our break up will benefit him, but it certainly will not me.

busted

oh man.

i just got busted by the mayor sitting on myspace doing a survey and eating pizza.

:(

hope i still have this job this time tomorrow!

i am dangerous

i was reading Leilouta's blog about how she once injured her husband by poking him in the eye by accident and i thought 'wow, at least i only injure myself, i've never done that to anyone else... oh shit hang on a second, yes i have'

i was at williamstown beach with my sister C. and her best friend J. For those of you who have never been to willy beach the sand is very fine and dark and very much like mud when wet. the three of us were in the water up to our knees picking up the sludgey sand and throwing it at eachother. we kept missing but it was great fun. until... i threw it towards C. while her back was turned and at the last second she spun around and received a handful of sand in her open eye.

she started SCREAMING. Everyone was staring. i had to drag her back to our towels and pour water directly into her eye. there was so much in it i couldn't see any of her eyeball. i was petrified that i had blinded her. to top it off our next door neighbour from home suddenly appeared right next to us and was staring at C. screaming. i knew she was thinking 'what a horrible sister'

how embarrassing

i was walking down mt alexander road to meet my friend C. to have lunch with her and these two workmen beeped at me.

well, i was pretty happy, because that hasn't happened since high school. we used to walk in a group down sunshine ave and count the number of beeps we would get. i guess that doesn't happen anymore because i drive everywhere now.

anyway, so i'm there with a goofy smile on my face thinking 'i am so cool'... then i tripped over NOTHING and nearly fell on my chin.

when i told A. this he didn't even hardly respond. He is so used to it. i even had a dream last night that i was looking down at my legs and they were covered in little bruises from falling over.

maybe i have a middle ear infection ... one that has lasted the last 23 years hehe

i found the lolly

ugh. i just found the lolly (re: tuesday july 3rd)

it's superglued to my carpet. i can't get it out. i found it just as i was running out last night fr salsa, so i just covered it with a receipt so i wouldn't step on it on the way back it.

i just looked at it now, i think i'm going to have to cut my carpet up.

magic trick pick ups

i was listening to hamish and andy on the drive home today and the topic was 'has a magician or someone pretending to be a magician ever used magic tricks as a way to try to pick you up?

i thought 'god, not only is that a pretty bloody specific question, but no one is going to call in, who on earth... oh god...' and i suddenly remembered that back in 2001 this happened to me. i had completely omitted it from my memory.

i was in my final year of vce and i had to take my folio down to monash uni to have it viewed from when i was applying to do graphic design. i was really upset because when i took my folio out of the back seat of my parents car the night before i saw all these scratches over it from some metal that was in the car. so i was grumpy because it was brand new and i had wrecked it.

i had to catch public transport to monash caulfield. fyi... it's two 45 minute train rides to get there. and it was raining. and the sky was black. and my hair was frizzing. and i got lost. the interview went really well, but it just started BUCKETING down as soon as i left.

i got on the first train.

and it began.

i ALWAYS attract the freaks on public transport. i could write literally thousands of blogs on my experiences. i DO NOT invite them in any way. i walk in with my head down, i never make eye contact with anyone, i take a book to read, i turn my phone on silent. and yet somehow i still am always the centre of VERY BAD attention in the carriage. i always used to look around despairingly thinking 'what's wrong with picking on someone else in this carriage? why me?'

anyway, back to my train ride. this guy started talking to me. he seemed a bit hyper so i was trying to give him polite but short answers in a bid to make him bored. i'm always too afraid to annoy them just in case they turn feral and i know that everyone on the train would pretend they can't see it.

he started talking heaps, about how he'd gone all over the world and travelled and had all these different jobs and experienced so much. but he spoke fast and fervently, which intimidated me.

suddenly he pulls out what i at first thought was a used pink condom.

'bee, get the hell off at the next stop i don't care how long it takes me to get home, if that thing touches me-'

then he put it to his mouth and blew. it was a balloon. and another. and another. suddenly he had 5 or so long skinny balloons, which he gathered up in his hands and twisted into an enormous flower with 2 sets of petals.

i'll admit it was quite pretty... FOR A THREE YEAR OLD. anyway, he insisted i take it. i tried to think of a logical excuse that wouldn't offend him.

'ah, no thanks. it's nice, but i'm going home and i can't carry that-'
'aha! well i'll make it easy for you then!'

whithin 3 minutes he deftly attached a balloon dog leash to my folio strap without asking me, and attached the balloon dog leash to a balloon dog and wrapped the flower in the middle. so i was carrying half a circus hands-free.

by this time i thought he was a complete and total loony and i was petrified. he was acting so psychotic about the balloons and me taking them.

finally it got to my stop and i jumped off with all these enormous balloons. he followed me and talked to me as we got on the bus. i thought 'oh my god, if i get off at my stop he's going to follow me home' but luckily he didn't. i think by that time he finally became bored because of my one word answers.

i walked from the bus stop to my house absolutely mortified. i couldn't litter all the balloons in the street, and there were no bins out that afternoon.

i came in through the front door and mum and my sister ran up and yelled 'how was the in... ter... view... what the?' they stood and stared at me, dripping wet, frizzy hair, running make up, slumped to one side from heavy folio, which had a balloon dog and enormous yellow and pink flower attached to it.

'public transport' i answered.

confusing dreams with reality

oh my god. now that i've made up for all the lost sleep from last week, things are slowly drifting into my mind that i cannot believe actually occurred.

firstly, i would like to say i dreamt this afternoon in a 3 minute nap that i was paris hilton's personal assistant. i think need to have my dreams analysed. i'm the only one in my workplace who isn't paris obsessed and i really don't care to talk about her more than maybe once every 3 months in passing, and i'm having dreams about her. what the hell, anyway...

ok, back to my original story, i remembered today while at work what i did last week in my psychotic non sleep period due to coughing. i went to sleep taking cough medicine, it looked like there was 10 mls left in the bottle, so i just poured it down my throat. a drop touched my tongue. literally. i pulled the bottle away from my mouth and looked again. it looked like there was medicine in there... by this time i was nearly breaking out in a sweat because it was too late to go out to buy more and all the shops were closed. upon inspecting the bottle under the light i realised that it wasn't medicine it was the thick glass base.

then i really started sweating. i was so tired and i needed that medicine.

ok. let's try other things to stop coughing.

as much as i am anti-tablets unless they're herbal, i didn't care that night. i took panadol even though i know under a normal rested condition that it does s**t all of coughs.

i went to bed... i coughed... i sat up in bed with pillows propped up behind me... i coughed... i got up and made tea with lemon and went to bed... i coughed... i got up and drank boiling water with lemon... i coughed... i got up and found in an old handbag a dubious looking sachet of lemsip, i drank it and went to bed... i coughed... i got up and poured honey into my throat... i coughed.

then i figured the only time i stopped coughing was when i was eating or drinking. aha! i jumped up for the millionth time and went to the pantry. the only lollies i could find was a 2 year old jar of castlemaine rock, which are hard boiled lollies. my plan was to suck on it and fall asleep. i wasn't even afraid of choking on it and no one hearing and dying... death at that stage was preferable to coughing any more.

the lollies were stuck.

because they'd been they're for so long they'd fused together into one giant rock. i grabbed a pen and tried to prise one of the lollies off the others. the pen broke. i tried with the other side of the pen. it broke too. i then grabbed a pair of scissors (this was a 4.47am) pushing...pushing...pushing...POP! a massive lolly flew out of jar and onto... i have no idea. i heard it land somewhere in my room, but the lollies are the same colour as my carpet. i finally gave up and went to bed and waited for 9am to go buy more cough medicine.

so now i'm in my room trying to find a trail of ants that will lead me to the much anticipated lolly.

cough suppressant

pharmacists are psychotic. why would a pharmacist argue with me when i haven't slept in three nights because of my cough from my bronchitis? i know i wouldn't argue with me, i would just give myself what i wanted and shut up.

thursday i went into work after not sleeping the entire night because we ran out of cough medicine. i went to my desk, threw my work down, and announced that i was going back out to the chemist to get cough medicine.

i was coughing so much i nearly had several accidents driving there. i ran from the parking space into the chemist and asked the nice looking lady for cough suppressant. And it began...

Lady: is it a chesty cough?

Me: yes, but-

Lady: well then, we'll just give you the expectorant then

(note - expectorant MAKES you cough, not stops the cough)

Me: no, i really haven't slept in-

Lady: well, you need to break up what's in your chest! so here's a bottle of-
Me: no, you don't understand, i haven't slept in 3 nights and-
Lady: i can only sell you the expectorant if you have a chesty cough-

Me: I NEED TO SLEEP! I HAVEN'T SLEPT IN 3 NIGHTS! I DON'T WANT EXPECTORANT, I WANT THE SUPPRESSANT!

Lady: (shrunk in size) ahem, well, i just talk this over with the pharmacist, shall i? (ran to the pharmacist)

Pharmacist: here you go, here is some suppressant

Me: thank you. i just really need to sleep. thank you so much. thank you

i went back to work for three hours, but after having taken the medicine i was still coughing to the point where i was sweating. i made an appointment at the doctor's and left work, suspecting bronchitis. upon going home i actually read the medicine... EXPECTORANT! aaaaagggggghhhhh those sneaky *****

after the doctor's appointment, where he confirmed that yes, i did have bronchitis and gave me antibiotics i went back to another chemist to pick up suppressant. by this time i felt like an absolute lunatic and i was ready to get into a physical fight for the correct medicine. i approached the counter.

Me: I need cough suppresant. I haven't slept in three nights. I can't get better if i can't sleep. I have a chesty cough but i cannot take any more expectorant because i NEED SLEEP.

Lady: well, if you have a chesty cough-
Me: NO

Lady: i'm sorry, suppressant is for a different-

Me: I need to sleep! I need suppressant! (all the workers were looking at me by this point)
Lady: well, how about i go and grab the pharmacist for you... (ran away like previous lady)

Pharmacist: all we can give you is the-

Me: Please. i'm taking antibiotics. I need sleep. I really need sleep. I'm turning into a lunatic (her face looked like she agreed with me on this point) please please please
Pharmacist: (went behind the counter and produced a small red bottle that looked like a saviour) you can only take this at night. it is a suppressant, but it will make you very drowsy. is that ok?
Me: (nearly crying from happiness after seeing that the bottle actually did say what she said) yes that's ok, thank you so much, thank you.

i went home and took it immediately. whithin 20 seconds i had stopped coughing. completely. i lay my head down on the pillow and fell asleep in seconds with an enormous smile stretched across my face. what bliss.

now that i've slept 14 hours non stop and feel quite human again, i am seriously considering going back to both chemists to sincerely apologize.

Alexi... my pet BOY duck!!!

Alexi laid 11 eggs. He's such a good boy. Don't bother trying to tell me he's a girl, it just refuses to compute in my brain so I've given up. He's simply a boy duck that happens to lay eggs.

A. found the 'stash' of eggs around the side of his house. Upon realising that Alexi will save him going to the shops every week to buy eggs, he's decided to keep him and not send him to a farm. That's nice, cos i really do like Alexi when he's not posessed by the devil and quacking at ghosts like a loony.

Maybe he's not loony... maybe he's been smoking the shisha that A. leaves outside?!