my imperfections

-the fruit sticker issues

-i injure myself and i refuse to go to the doctor's cos i know he'll say to stop dancing. when i wrecked my achilles from salsa a year ago i had no choice but to go to the physio, who KILLED me (and, i might add, is also a total sleaze) and insisted i stay off my foot for 2 months. over the past 12 months i've continued to go back to him because i now tell him strait out 'Listen, i'm not going to stop dancing, in fact i'm going in 3 hours, and tomorrow, and the day after that, and the day after that.' but i think i have a piece of bone floating around in my right foot and my right ankle is currently swollen for no real reason, but i won't go. even worse - he'll tell me that it's fluid and that i have to get it drained. so i just won't go.

-i laugh at inappropriate times. sometimes, to cut the tension, i will burst out laughing. it is HORRIBLE, and i have almost slapped myself accross the face when i do this. i also make light of issues when the other person is still nowhere near the point where they can joke or relax about whatever it is that they're opening up to me about. the thing that makes this just THE WORST is that i DO have a filter to stop doing this - cos i've never ever done that to my clients at work. so i CAN stop myself - but i don't.

-sometimes i get so caught up in my own stuff that i don't realise that people around me are upset. admittedly - not often - and perhaps it's just that normally i would pride myself on noticing that the couple of times that this has happened have made me think that it's a real problem. actually, that leads onto the next imperfection...

-i don't know what the hell to do with introverted people. i am so extroverted, more than anyone i know. i get angry at introverts. i don't understand them. i don't get why they won't open up. i don't see why they feel a need to hide things. i spoke about this with a fellow work colleague (another extreme extrovert) and i told her that you could ask me almost anything and i would answer. 'K... what colour knickers are you wearing?' without sparing a second i blurted 'greyish silver with pink embroidered flowers on them, the brazilian cut where the bottom of your butt cheeks show.' and then she said 'now, an extreme introvert would think that you're absolutely nucking futs...' i can understand how, logically, they must think of me, but i STILL don't get them. i am actually inclined to say that i can't be friends with them... that is disgusting of me.

-i become absolutely furious when people are upset with me and keep it in and then explode. i CANNOT handle it. then even if i am in the wrong, for whatever reason they're angry with me about, i will feel justified in going off my tree at them because they didn't tell me earlier. the BESTEST time was when my close friend, S., pulled me aside one day and told me she was beginning (beginning... so important) to get uspet with me cos i was taking a joke too far. i backed down, apologised, thanked her a million times over, and then hinted to my other mates that i would LOVE it if they did the same.

-i hardly ever finish anything. i get super duper excited about something, and i go around telling everyone about how great it is, and i start, and i'm totally into it and then BOOM! there's something else! and i run.

-as i'm getting older i'm realising that i can't handle people in my life who don't hold the same moral values as i do. i have actually cut two people totally out of my life in the past 12 months because, basically, i couldn't get along with them. this might not sound unusual - but i've always gotten along with everyone, and now i found there are some people i can't even put up with.

-i have confrontation issue as has been explored a bagillion times in these 2 blogs. that said - i still managed to be direct with those two people i don't like - that's how little patience i now have for people who don't share my values.

-i fight for the sake of fighting. i actually love and thrive on argueing, and i'm not willing to understand how some people don't want to fight back. again - i know i'm wrong - but i still don't get it.

-if i'm upset i usually hide it in front of strangers. with anyone i even slightly know i will pour my heart out and tell them every miniscule problem that's going on in my life (eg> right now) this is not a good thing.

-if someone doesn't notice that i'm upset, and jokes with me / pokes fun at me / slaps my butt or something as a joke I BURST INTO TEARS. and then, cos i'm so rarely down, they don't know what to do and are at a loss. and i can't stop crying. i have burst into tears at work before (not in front of clients) and at home and with friends and boyfriends. this is really the pot calling the kettle black cos when i know that someone is down i tease them in a bid to take them out of it. agh.

ok this post is upsetting me. below i've pasted my Myer Briggs personality type ENFP

Portrait of an ENFP - Extraverted iNtuitive Feeling Perceiving
(Extraverted Intuition with Introverted Feeling)

The Inspirer

As an ENFP, your primary mode of living is focused externally, where you take things in primarily via your intuition. Your secondary mode is internal, where you deal with things according to how you feel about them, or how they fit in with your personal value system.

ENFPs are warm, enthusiastic people, typically very bright and full of potential. They live in the world of possibilities, and can become very passionate and excited about things. Their enthusiasm lends them the ability to inspire and motivate others, more so than we see in other types. They can talk their way in or out of anything. They love life, seeing it as a special gift, and strive to make the most out of it.

ENFPs have an unusually broad range of skills and talents. They are good at most things which interest them. Project-oriented, they may go through several different careers during their lifetime. To onlookers, the ENFP may seem directionless and without purpose, but ENFPs are actually quite consistent, in that they have a strong sense of values which they live with throughout their lives. Everything that they do must be in line with their values. An ENFP needs to feel that they are living their lives as their true Self, walking in step with what they believe is right. They see meaning in everything, and are on a continuous quest to adapt their lives and values to achieve inner peace. They're constantly aware and somewhat fearful of losing touch with themselves. Since emotional excitement is usually an important part of the ENFP's life, and because they are focused on keeping "centered", the ENFP is usually an intense individual, with highly evolved values.

An ENFP needs to focus on following through with their projects. This can be a problem area for some of these individuals. Unlike other Extraverted types, ENFPs need time alone to center themselves, and make sure they are moving in a direction which is in sync with their values. ENFPs who remain centered will usually be quite successful at their endeavors. Others may fall into the habit of dropping a project when they become excited about a new possibility, and thus they never achieve the great accomplishments which they are capable of achieving.

Most ENFPs have great people skills. They are genuinely warm and interested in people, and place great importance on their inter-personal relationships. ENFPs almost always have a strong need to be liked. Sometimes, especially at a younger age, an ENFP will tend to be "gushy" and insincere, and generally "overdo" in an effort to win acceptance. However, once an ENFP has learned to balance their need to be true to themselves with their need for acceptance, they excel at bringing out the best in others, and are typically well-liked. They have an exceptional ability to intuitively understand a person after a very short period of time, and use their intuition and flexibility to relate to others on their own level.

Because ENFPs live in the world of exciting possibilities, the details of everyday life are seen as trivial drudgery. They place no importance on detailed, maintenance-type tasks, and will frequently remain oblivous to these types of concerns. When they do have to perform these tasks, they do not enjoy themselves. This is a challenging area of life for most ENFPs, and can be frustrating for ENFP's family members.
An ENFP who has "gone wrong" may be quite manipulative - and very good it. The gift of gab which they are blessed with makes it naturally easy for them to get what they want. Most ENFPs will not abuse their abilities, because that would not jive with their value systems.

ENFPs sometimes make serious errors in judgment. They have an amazing ability to intuitively perceive the truth about a person or situation, but when they apply judgment to their perception, they may jump to the wrong conclusions.

ENFPs who have not learned to follow through may have a difficult time remaining happy in marital relationships. Always seeing the possibilities of what could be, they may become bored with what actually is. The strong sense of values will keep many ENFPs dedicated to their relationships. However, ENFPs like a little excitement in their lives, and are best matched with individuals who are comfortable with change and new experiences.

Having an ENFP parent can be a fun-filled experience, but may be stressful at times for children with strong Sensing or Judging tendancies. Such children may see the ENFP parent as inconsistent and difficult to understand, as the children are pulled along in the whirlwind life of the ENFP. Sometimes the ENFP will want to be their child's best friend, and at other times they will play the parental authoritarian. But ENFPs are always consistent in their value systems, which they will impress on their children above all else, along with a basic joy of living.

ENFPs are basically happy people. They may become unhappy when they are confined to strict schedules or mundane tasks. Consequently, ENFPs work best in situations where they have a lot of flexibility, and where they can work with people and ideas. Many go into business for themselves. They have the ability to be quite productive with little supervision, as long as they are excited about what they're doing.

Because they are so alert and sensitive, constantly scanning their environments, ENFPs often suffer from muscle tension. They have a strong need to be independent, and resist being controlled or labelled. They need to maintain control over themselves, but they do not believe in controlling others. Their dislike of dependence and suppression extends to others as well as to themselves.

ENFPs are charming, ingenuous, risk-taking, sensitive, people-oriented individuals with capabilities ranging across a broad spectrum. They have many gifts which they will use to fulfill themselves and those near them, if they are able to remain centered and master the ability of following through.

perfection

i was at home waiting for my friend, A., to drop past. i got out of the shower, got dressed and went into the kitchen. i studied the fruit basket and decided on a Granny Smith apple.

i picked it up...

peeled off the sticker...

looked to see what my mum was doing (watching tv) and if dad was having a non computer moment (nope - booking flights for us on his laptop)

and stuck it on another apple in the fruit bowl.

i came into my room chomping on the apple to find an sms from my friend saying that i am 'perfection.'

uh-huh.

and it's not just that. there are rules to follow. i have a habit, i realised, of sticking orange stickers on other oranges, mandarine stickers on other mandarines etc etc. and only if it's the last in the bowl do i actually make the enormous effort of turning around and putting it in the bin. if that's not OCD, i don't know what is.

and if there's only a banana and an orange left in the bowl... well you can't go sticking an orange sticker on a banana. you have to throw it out.

the craziest part of it all is that i actually don't have OCD. i've seen many people with OCD, and there's not a shadow of a doubt that i don't have it. which means - i am just crazy, and far, far away from perfection. plus - if someone asked me to do something out of the routine i would do it - i just prefer doing it my way

and at the end of the week, when there's one lonely apply left in the fruit bowl, it's covered in a week's worth of stickers. and i'll be awoken by my brother standing over my bed shaking a sticker-covered apple at my face, yelling like a madman, 'THROW THEM IN THE BIN!'

microsoft publisher...ugh

once upon a time, before i was a youth worker, i did graphic design. i stopped only because i didn't have the drive any more (and because i couldn't handle pulling three all nighters in a row, getting glandular fever from being so run down and trying to think of concepts for stuff i hated). Basically, though, i didn't give it up because i was a crap designer; i just realised that I wasn't right to be in that field cos of everything else that goes hand in hand with it.

all i do now is tiny stuff on the side; invitations for 21st and other celebrations, advertising for my uncle's business etc. and it's great, cos now i love doing it as opposed to before when i was forced to do it.

so, i work with youth workers. and they have to advertise all the time with fliers, newsletters, posters etc.

and they use publisher.

and don't get me wrong - publisher isn't the issue. when i've been on other people's computer i've used publisher and made simple, yet effective, brochures and stuff. it's not the program; if they were using Adobe or Indesign or Quark the problem would still be there.

it's like they're blind. mish-mash of colours, no thought as to whether or not their colour design is going to end up being printed in black and white, no thought to legibility, fonts. These youthies; they're into Comic Sans and Curlz.

stop and think about that for a moment.

Comic Sans

Curlz.

so then! they see me walking past and they jump out of their chairs and yell 'Bee! Bee! you're into design can you have a look at this for me and tell me what you think' and they drag me over to their computers.

and i feel like i'm going to a funeral.

i look at the screen and i see illegible fonts. i see words that are meant to stand out so they've changed the font size for each letter. i see fucked up kerning cos of the size differences. i see widows everywhere. i see text justified wherever they see fit. i see everything in the centre of the page. i see hyphenations from one line to the next - not one, but several. i see... wait for it... clip art images. Or, worse still, images that they've taken from google image search and they've used without a thought to, well anything, and they've blown it up and it's all pixellated.

what can i say?

and! don't even get me started on the language used, or their mispellings, or grammatical errors.

so i end up saying something vague like 'oh... well, um, i'd probably maybe just fix up where that hyphenated word is... and that one... and that one...' and then i have to totally lie and say 'but other than that it looks fantastic! wow - it's great!' and they kind of frown when i say my one little problem too, as though they can't work out what's wrong with having 4 hyphenated words on one poster that only has 40 words on it.

i don't want to go back to graphics - but i really struggle with this.

unbalanced

if someone asks me something i tell them.

if the conversation is going towards something i have a thought on, i say it.

if someone asks for my opinion, well i'll crap on till the cows come home.

i've always been one for talking/crying/laughing/arguing through problems - never one to sit and stew. and for this reason, i think, people understand me pretty well. but too well perhaps.

everyone knows everything about me, like as in EVERYTHING. and the problem is not that i don't want people knowing everything, i obviously do cos the words are coming out of my mouth... but i can't help but become furious when others don't reciprocate. and i know i'm in the wrong - i'm fully aware that, and i hate that i get angry, but i do. when i found out that one of my friends was getting married and i found out about a week later i was astounded. Not that she hadn't told me - but that she could keep it in.

what am i looking for? friends who will shutup and listen to me 24/7 but somehow i also want them to tell me as much as i tell them - when would this opportunity come up with me talking all the time? i always get off 1 hour telephone calls and realise that i've spoken for 90% of them. that's just plain rude, but i can't stop.

i started writing this blog so i would talk LESS. i don't really tell any of my friends about this blog or the boys one (partly cos i bitch about some of them in it). so i end up writing on here and then seeing them and repeating most of my stories anyway.

ok - my best friend - she's a listener BUT when she has something important to say she'll scream over me 'Bee Bee Bee hang on shhhhh i gotta tell you first...' and that's awesome! i need to be told to shutup.

my workplace - we all fight for the spotlight and i love it. When my sister came into work with me recently she came to the conclusion 'Bee, everyone at your work is like you!' they're almost all extroverted and easily excitable to say the least.

i need people to talk over me. I need my friends to remind me to breathe during a story. i need my friends to put things into perspective for me. and i need friends to tell me to shutup and be forceful about it when they want to talk, because i'm 24 years old and i try really hard and i still talk over everyone.

my sister is exactly the same. there's no hope for her.

all that said and done i am fully capable of keeping secrets. all the stuff i blab about is my gossip, not even gossip about me and other people. so at least i have one filter of sorts.